have you tried a therapist? They can help you figure out why you are feeling this way.

I can understand how your feeling, some days the only thing that keeps me going is my kids. After a couple bad days (or weeks) I'm so glad they did. Time can give a whole different perspective on life.

I definitatly think that you should see a therapist or councellor. They can help you sort thru this.

Reaching out is the right thing to do no matter what form it is. Electronic or in person or via the phone.

What kind of meds are you on? Have you had any significant changes in your life recently? Even the most minor change can make a huge difference to someone suffering any type of chronic pain.

Can you talk to a doc about this?

Well you hang in there even if it is just communicating with us until you can get with someone in person.

"C"

Currently i am no meds for anything at all.. i did have my 2nd fusion in May, and ever since then, is when i have started to feel like this. I feel that i can't even talk to my wife because i dont know how to, or what to say to her. She is under ALOT of stress right now; her job is in jeopardy(thanks INDYMAC), and our bills are behind, and she is working 60 hrs. a week; she doesnt need another trigger to get her emotions all stirred up... so i guess i am stuck.. my wife is great, and always there for me.. i have been on anit-depressants before for a short time; maybe its time to approach the doc about them again.. All i can say is this: if it wasn't for my wife, i would not be here today... god bless her; good lord, i need to seek help now... thanks again all

Are you able to get up ad walk around and go places at all? Does getting out of the house help you when you feel like this?

If the anti-depressants helped you in the past, I really suggest talking to your doc first thing in the morning! If it gets real bad, there's nothing wrong with going to the ER. They have certain protocols they have to follow, but that is better than the alternative.

If your wife is under alot of stress now, holy shit will she be under it if you don't get some help resolving your current feelings! Sometimes being stuck is okay if it means it gives you times to reach out to someone that can help you!

You don't have to wait until morning if you need help now!!!

I know you say you dont know why youre so depressed but all you have to do is read your posts. Anyone would be depressed over feeling like they have no control over their life. You're down on yourself thinking that if it wasnt for your medical problems your wife wouldnt have to try so hard to keep everything up.
Listen to me Tony, NOTHING is worth you doing to yourself what those thoughts youre having tell you to do.
Your wife needs you and loves you and would be heartbroken without you.
Depression also comes from a chemical inbalance in your brain and sometimes you need anti-depressants to help you feel better. DOnt be scared to ask for help.

Best Wishes,
Christina

I am still going to call the doc and see what he can do for me.. i dont want to be look down on because i'm a nut case right now, but i have to do something now.. Thanks again to everyone listening to me rant and vent, i guess it really does help to let it out. I did some thinking last night, and i think some of the reason why i feel like this is guilt... you're right, i do feel awful because of the fact that because of my back problems i have put the household at risk and in financial distress. I take full responsibility for any stress that i have caused; but, the fact remains that w/o the surgery, i would still be miserable and unable to walk. So i guess the good outweighs the bad anyday... i will stop ranting, and i will get ahold of the doc today to get something called in or go see him.. thanks all, my heart thanks you

Tony,

Good morning to you. I'm so glad to hear that you feel better this morning! That's awesome. Like you said though, it would be smart to follow through and get in touch with the doc, so that you don't have to worry.

I have a very dear friend that is going through a similar experience with the guilt. It's not her fault and it's not your fault that you are the needy family member right now. One day the tide will turn and I know that neither you nor her will think twice to give all there is to give to the new person in the family that is in need.

It's so great to hear from you this morning!

"C"

I called the doc and have an appointment to see him today in the afternoon... my wife and i had a chat about what would happen if either one of us tried to end our lives... the comment that she made is that "she didnt know where that would leave us>"... what??? so, what she is saying is basically this, if you are going to do something like that, then you need to make sure that you do "it right", or if it fails, then our marriage and everything we shared will be all screwed up...WTF???????? How in the world am i suppossed to open up and share my feelings, and then have something like this come up... I've had it with people this week; no more, i cant deal no more....

Did you ask her to explain what she meant?

Hi Tony,
I think that your wife really just can't go there even tho yall were talking. Don't take this the wrong way, she has alot on her and right now she probably can't see the hand in front of her face. It sounds like maybe she has had some to the same thoughts you have and maybe she was talking more about herself than you. Maybe you both need to talk to someone. I know the feeling of being worthless when you have to have someone help you. Money problems can put pressure on the whole family but in the end as long as you have each other no matter what happens it will be ok. We are worth more than our bank accounts, or our mortgage. Having to deal with pain every hour or every day will have an effect on you. Give yourself a break and know that things will get better. But please go get help and get your wife to get some too. Let her know how much you appreciate what she does. Are you able to do little things. Can you fold clothes, have supper done when she gets home, sweep, dust, anything that will help her day so she doesn't have so many things facing her. Hang in there!

If you didnt hit it on the head DIXIECHICK... I do all i can to help us out around the house.. lets see, i cook, clean, vacuum, the laundry, i go get gas in her car (even though she drives right past the gas station on the way home), i go buy her cigarettes when she has the money and doesnt feel like running out at 1 in the morning, ( i quit 5 months ago to have my surgery by the way,); i dont know what else to do.. in a way i feel betrayed, but in another, i can see what she is saying.. i am just a head case right now...i (we) need help.. thanks again for all the kind words from y'all... and thanks for letting me vent.. ty ty ty

HI Me again,

Congrats on quiting smoking, that is reall a goal I would like to meet. But man when no one else there those cig are.
It sounds like you are bending over backwards. Is there anyway yall could go somewhere for a weekend and get away? Sometime just getting away puts some distance between everything back home. I know my md prescribed just about every antidpressant out there and nothing worked until she prescribed Effexor. That really made a difference. This of course was way before all this other stuff happened. Let us know how your appointment goes. and know that we are sending good vibes to you.

It sounds like youre both worrying over the bills and how everything is going to fair out. Youre probably both worrying. I suggest you get to the doctors and ask him for an antidepressant to get you through these times. I am on a really good one called Cymbalta. I used to have pantic attacks and it stopped them, it also stopped my crying jags I would go on. I also find these dont mess with your sexual abilites like alot of antidepressants do.
As far as your wife goes I think shes saying these words "so, what she is saying is basically this, if you are going to do something like that, then you need to make sure that you do "it right", or if it fails, then our marriage and everything we shared will be all screwed up" because she really didnt wanna talk about the possibility of anything happening to you. You hurt her by talking about it and therefore she hurts you back by telling you to make sure you do it right.
Us women are strange creatures tony....were hard on the head sometimes....lol
Anyway, get some meds to help you and maybe even her if she'll take them and see how much help they give you.

Ill keep you in my thoughts.

Best Wishes,
Christina:)

fist of all you said:

"i dont want to be look down on because i'm a nut case right now, but i have to do something now.."

YOU ARE NOT A NUT CASE. Understand that now. You are human. You have the right to feel every single feeling that you have. Its the one thing in life that is truly yours, and allowing yourself to feel them does not make you crazy.

Secondly you said:

"my wife and i had a chat about what would happen if either one of us tried to end our lives... the comment that she made is that "she didnt know where that would leave us>""

If I could give you my opinion on this, and it is only my opinion, but I read this a little differently then you or others. Correct me if I am wrong. I am thinking that you may have just misunderstood her. I seem to think that she may have only meant that "if one of us tried to end our lives" "where would that leave us" us as in if it was you where would it leave her, if it was her, where would it leave you. I don't think she meant it the way you took it. I think she was only pointing out that if one of you were to end your life, the other would be left alone, to pick up the pieces.

I hope that you have gotten in to see the doctor. One two many times I have been in your shoes... for no reason at all. But thats what depression is. It doesn't care who it affects, and it happens for no reason at all. I think you are doing a very good thing by speaking to us about this. Sometimes its hard to tell those around you how you truly feel. Speaking to us, behind the security of a computer screen is so much easier, and we are all understanding, and here to help you any time.

Please PM me ANYTIME I will always be here to listen to you, and I will NEVER judge you for the way you feel inside!!

Hope to hear from you soon,
Amanda

P.S. Maybe you could clarify with your wife as to what she meant? I think you will find it was all just a misunderstanding =)

Tony,

Hi my name is Husky and Ive been where you are right now only a short time ago. Look up my post "Pain" and I was at rock bottom, couldnt see any light at the end of the tunnel and truly felt that my kids would be so much better off without me and Im a single parent.

It passes hun, AD may help, they are widely used as part of long term pain relief.
It helped me every morning to think of something positive to start my day off.
I know when your down its hard to find anything positive but you know what there always is. Your kids for example.

The depression is natural, your not nuts, but I promise you it will pass.

You take care and stop beating yourself up over what truly is a natural proccess

xx Husky xx

Hang in there tight man, one day will be great the next EDITED. The way i started looking at it was i am going to live everyday the best i can chronic pain or not. After my car accident on oct. 07 and my chroic pain was disabling me and ruining my life you just have to fight it. Think posative im sure youve heard it 1000 times but seriously. Find music you can really get into and relate to they help me get through the EDITED days. Download seether it will help and always remember one day soon your gonna be feelin like a million backs it just takes time we feel like we dont have but WE DO. So dont give up and ill prey for everyone as hard as i can.

Just thought id update as to what is going on since i havent posted in about a week. I am on Cymbalta and i dont know if its working for me they way that i want it to . There is soooo much wrong going on right now i dont know if i can take another thing blowing up in my face. I am really starting to wonder if it might be better to check myself into some place for awhile and get some help. But, on the same hand, i dont want to increase my marrital tension either; she has just found out that she might have to have a hysterectomy.. mind you she is only 30. Now with that said, you can only imagine what is going on in the household. I just dont know.......

Dear Tony,

You are allowed to be depressed and fed up. You have a lot going on but be strong. Pain is very wearing and life happens! but keep your focus, you will get through this.

Go and find some face to face person who can help you off load, they can't solve your problems for you but may help you decide what you can worry about and what you have the power to control.

Have you got a best friend? Priest, work colleague? Work support services?

These boards are good too.
be srtong.

I have officially had it today... i can not take anymore b****** and will not; i dont know what to do; i am going to go and talk to my mom and her husband.. im afraid that i'll do something stupid, and even right now, i dont think that would be a bad thing.. i just dont give a f*** and i need to vent.. thanks for the support you guys... ill keep yall updated after i get my head out of my ass...

tony talk to your mum and let her know our you feel it will get better we are all allowed to be depressed and fed up but you will get through this i have pm you if you need to talk just pm back my husband was told he has ddd in april and hes in a lot of pain as well i can understand what he is going through abd it does get you down a lot but be stong and talk to your wife as well dont keep it to your self as that were it start taking over you and you will feel like this all the time wesometimes stay up till 5 in the morring talking about things i am now off work myself with stress and depression and i am there for ny husband as well so talk to you wife mum and any othe family or fiernds keep writing here as well
speck soon

Tony,

Cymbalta just about undid another member of this board just recently. How long have you been taking it?

I hope by now things are settling down a bit, but if you get in touch with Michael who goes by DisabledAmericanVeteran I know he'd talk to you. Here's a direct link to his profile so you can PM him if you'd like

http://www.spine-health.com/user/disabled-american-veteran

Let us know how you are doing.

I just wanted to update as the last time that i had posted i see that i was not very "stable", and on the edge of doing something unrational as all h***.. I have been doing a little better; doc has me on Pamelor,and i think that it is doing its job. My wife and I ( as if we dont have enough going on in our lives already) will be certified foster parents as of the 25th of September.. yeah us, so i guess that i had better get myself fixed up before we have a placement with us.. I really do appreciate all of the posts and the pm's that i have received.. it means the world to me to know that there are others out there that will help and not judge.. god bless you all!!!!!!!!! you absolutely, positively, 100% honestly saved my life, and for that, i want to say thank you.. life is good, even when its bad..if there is anyone out there contemplating suicide, i strongly suggest you to call a crisis line, talk to a friend, vent here online, and get some help.. i have seen the bottom, and its a long way to the top; depression kills and hurts, and will tear you up inside. It will mess with your head; make you believe things that seem totally irrational; and give you a false sense of believing that there is no hope for yourself, and that dying is the way out.. Let me tell you, i have been there the last couple of weeks, and it was not my time to go;.. god only knows the truth, and the many times that i have tried, he sent me back to serve my purpose, and what that is i have not been able to figure out, but it has to be something good... thank you and i can never re-pay you all for all that you have done

Some days are better than others.. i still have thoughts and feelings that i shouldn't be having even with being on the Pamelor.. i think that they need to increase my dose or something..I really think that i have gotten myself in over my head, and i just dont know where to turn or what to do. I can not get a grip and figure out how in the hell i came to this point; it has only been like this since my last surgery( in May), so i dont know if its tied into that at all or what. Messed up for sure; i dont like feeling like this, but yet, i dont know why im feeling like this.. what a headcase..lol.

Dang, I just had some funny, witty retort to say/write and I lost it. Probably wasn't right for the moment anyway. I'm not one of these people that go around making excuses for others either, so dang I don't even know why I'm replying then. I'm not making excuses, I'm not being funny, I don't do the bleeding heart stuff....

I guess I just wanted to make sure you know that you aren't alone and that people do care. I hope you are able to find an answer. If you are anything like me, finding the answer or a plausible answer is very consuming.

You're not a headcase.

"C"

What's going on today?

"C"

Tony, like so many of the others on here have said "you are not alone" I know that is easier said then done. Believe me I know from experience! I hope and pray for your sake that you find an antidepressant that works for you! It does take a few weeks to get the full effect of the med in your system so hang in there and take one day at a time. If you need anyone to talk to PM me. As I said I know how your feeling, that saying "been there, done that" is the best way to say it. Take care, please let us know how you are doing.

Please don't expect miracles with your med. It can take quite a while for you to get the full effect. Also, you may need to try a new one. You also may need to take a look at your pain meds, maybe they need to be adjusted as well.

How is the foster parenting going? I'd love to hear about it.

TTYS
Amanda

My 19 year old son just had Hair Transplant Surgery and was given Tylenol #3 for pain afterwards. He got ten pills with three refills, go figure!!! Anyway, when he told me that the pills weren't helping him one bit, I asked if he wanted to try a half of one of my 15 mg oxys to see if it helped at all. It was perfect he said. So I split a bunch of my pills in half and was giving him one every 3-4 hours. He actually needed it. His entire forhead swelled up just like Drew Barymore's head in the movie Fever Pitch. It was ugly. To make a long story short, I am now out some 30 pills and will run short come the end of the month. I have no qualms about giving him what I did and being able keep him out of pain or at least to help with his pain because those Tylenol #3s didn't help at all. First I called the Dr. to tell him and he said that he can't give him anything stronger than that. I suggested that I give him 7.5 mg of oxy and said that was fine. Go figure that one out too. Some people are incredible. I'm looking at 5-6 days of serious sickness that I most definitely don't need. Talk about depressed...

I got a phone call at 5 this morning from my brother telling me that my cousin had committed suicide.. They had found him hanging in his closet... if only i couldve spent more time with him and get to know him a little better.. maybe he couldve opened up to someone and got some help before it was too late.. my heart is broke, my will is softened, and my soul is reaching for something a little too late... god bless his family and may they find peace and comfort through all of this..it really shows you how fragile life can be, especially when you are 15 yrs. old... so young, so young...

Sorry to hear about the loss of your cousin...you take care

I'm sorry to hear of the loss of your cousin. It is very painful I know. Take care of yourself ok? Charry

Hey Tony, I'm thinking you were Murphy in a previous 'life'. I'm sorry to hear that life has been so tough for you lately. It's been a long, long time since we last had a chat.

I remember you taking alot of time out to help an old friend of ours on here, you went above and beyond the call of duty ..... remember.

I'm so sorry that you are going through so much pain at the moment, however, just think about the pain you would leave others in if you took the same route.

I've been back at work for a little while now but I do have the next 2 weeks off - it would be great if we could get the old crowd together in the lounge and have a good old chin wag - what do you say??

If you are Murphy then hopefully this will mean something to you, if you aren't then I'm very sorry and I'll get my coat!!

Sandra

Hi Tony, Im sitting hear reading all of the posts and I am crying for your loss and the way you have been feeling. I think we have all been there at some point. I was that way a few weeks ago, for no reason I just get so down and I do "have those thoughts" when the pain is so bad.I went for my Mental Health Eval for SSD and when I was walking out the door the Dr stopped me and suggested I see a pain psychologist as she saw how distrought I was. Im feeling better this week as I saw my PM Dr and cried. Crying hekps me get it all out oer say. I did have a talk with my husband about suicide. I promosised him I would never to that but I said I do think about it. He was very supportive, but a bit agry at first. We can now talk openly about these feeling althought its awkward. Im sure you wife is scared to death and it hurts her to see you in such pain. Please try to keep your communication lines open and talk about your feelings. Sometimes, instead of talking, we put the kids to bed, light candles in our bed room and just lay in each others arms, not saying a word. I ususally ball my eyes out and fall asleep as he rubs my head. It recharges me. I will be praying for you and for your family. Please PM if you need to talk or cry.

I hope you're allright. My husband is stay at home and he used to drive me to work until my back went out in February. he cooks, shops, does a lot around the house and we live off my long term disability. I understand those feelings you've been having and try to say stop and keep pulling yourself up. Positive affirmations have helped me and you're getting better everyday. Just a little post from you would be nice. Take care. Charry

Hi Tony, I just read your old posts, please let us know how you are doing. I am here to chat anytime

Its been awhile since i have posted, and i see that i have missed alot since the last time i did. Things are about the same; i dont feel so stessed out right now, we finally got our finances straighted out, and things are looking up as far as that goes. I am battling those feelings everyday; i know its not healthy, but its me, and i just have to learn how to turn away from those things, and carry on i guess. Life has been especially hard this month; with the suicide of my cousin, the anniversary of my grandmas death, and the fact that i have just found out that my neice(she's 15) has been diagnosed with leukemia, it seems to never end. There are days where i hate everyone and everything; its starting to reflect in my attitude at work; people dont like to come to me for answers( im a manager in a restaurant) so that really screws it all up. I dont mean to be stand-offish( if that is a word), but i cant seem to leave my feelings at the door.I have had to deal with these feelings ever since i was in my teens; its something that has not come up just recently. I dont know, i hope that i'm not alone; i have a really hard time in the winter months ( i think its from the lack of sunshine, whatever the term for that is).I want to thank those that have followed and wanted to hear back from me; there are a few that i have never talked to, seen on the board, or seen their names before. That makes me feel really good inside; to know that people can take the time out of their day, and leave a message to make sure things are ok. And for that, i am giving y'all a big hug ... thanks again. I will try to get back on here regularly, and let me say this.. if there is anyone out there struggling and in the same spot, and you want to share how you cope, please,please, IM me .. i will get back with you .. thanks again